A word, if I may...

By Daniela

You might have noticed, that it has been quiet on here lately, I have been going back and forth on whether to write and post this text or not, but as it is my blog, here it goes. I am not doing well. Even though I have been trying to put a brave face on it, I could use a break.  I think all of us struggle quite a bit through this pandemic and for a while that thought put everything into perspective for me. And I am grateful for living in the coutryside in a wealthy country, so that I get to moan about my lot on here. We- as in my family- are lucky enough to have a large back garden and lots of animals on our farm, so that for the most part we could keep going as normal. But I can't anymore. I reached breaking point when I opened my lovingly curated wardrobe and couldn't fit into my clothes anymore. So far, so vain you say. Well, maybe. But for me it has added to my general feeling of being unwell.  As a recovering anorexic, anything to do with my weight is an alarm going off. So I decided to write down all the reasons, big and small, for my unwell-ness.

1. Corona: well, of course. I am an introvert with a large back-yard and an even larger personal library, so for the first 6-8 months it didn't bother me as much. But it has been over a year and knowing that I will not be able to see my friends (they live abroad) or meet new people for heaven-knows-how-long has left me feeling rather down.

2. Becoming a mother (again): Don't get me wrong, I LOVE my babies and wouldn't change a thing. But, two is a number. And they are close-ish in age, so that I have a baby and a two-year-old on my hands. And the kindergardens and playgrounds have been closed for most of the last year. There have been no classes or activities for my baby, who will turn one soon as has not  yet met another baby its own age.

Oh, and I should mention that I haven't had a good night's sleep in over a year.

3. The frustrations of job-searching: I have written more than ninety applications, been to two interviews and yet have nothing to show for it. Am I not competent enough? Am I too old? Do I need to hire an interview coach? What is going on? Disclaimer: I only apply for jobs, for which I have the relevant experiences and skills.

4. Work-out pause: I haven't been allowed for the longest time and then didn't have the energy to exercise properly. Which, for me, is a nightmare. I love exercising. It is the reason my anorexia has been under control for all this time.

5. Self-improvement: There are some personal issues that have arisen due to my upbringing. Because I want to set a good example for my daughters and be a good person in general, I constantly struggle to find better ways to communicate, set examples and raise my children without falling into old.learned habits. I don't have role models as parents or partners that I can emulate, so I have to find the solutions for myself, And it is a constant struggle.

So, please tell me, what are you struggling with at the moment?